I Am a Yogini

When I started practicing yoga seven months ago, I never dreamed it would be instrumental in my transformation from caterpillar to butterfly. I was simply in search of something--anything--that would help me cope with the changes in my life. The stress had to have an outlet.

A teacher in a recent yoga practice explained that when caterpillars cocoon, they don't just grow wings. Some cells change chemically. Embryonic cells that were present from the egg stage start to divide. The caterpillar reforms into a brand new being.

"Basically, they turn into goo," she said, translating for anyone who might be getting lost in the talk of cellular transformation. "And we do that in yoga practice over time," she explained. I couldn't agree more.

With the guidance of many patient and loving teachers, I have broken down old thoughts about my mental and physical barriers. I've learned how to connect my breath to my movement. I've reached places inside my mind and body I never even knew were there.

The physical benefits are astounding. My muscles are more toned and I am stronger than I have been in my entire life. I am flexible, as evidenced by my ability to twist my body like a pretzel. I can balance my entire body weight on one leg while lifting the other leg straight behind me and my arms straight in front of me.

But even more important than the physical benefits are the emotional and mental benefits. Yoga calms me. It reminds me to look inward. It makes me remember that my thoughts show up physically somewhere in my body, whether that's in a sore neck or an upset stomach.

At the beginning of almost every practice, the teacher reminds me to set an intention for the time I'm about to spend. This habit of setting intentions crosses over into all areas of my life, with the result that I get exactly what I intend most of the time. The teacher instructs the students to breathe in all good things that the universe has waiting for us and to breathe out healing, light, and love for ourselves and the world.

Language I've learned in my journey with yoga:

Hatha: union of the sun and the moon--a joining of mind and body that results in strength and vitality

Om Namah Shivaya: there is no literal translation, but I've interpreted this as, "I honor the divine in myself, in you, and in all beings."

Namaste: a greeting that means, "I acknowledge the divine and innate goodness in you"

Om: a chant that reminds us that everything we do should be for the betterment of the universe

The incorporation of the language of yoga into my everyday world is an outward manifestation of the inner change--the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly. Physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual adjustments are all a part of my journey. It is something akin to the deconstruction and reconstruction the caterpillar undergoes. I see what the teacher was trying to help us acknowledge. I am a yogini.



Photo credit: Ambro at freedigitalphotos.net

Easy Does It: Incremental Change in Nonprofit Organizations

Over the last 20 years, I've been involved with dozens of nonprofit organizations as an employee, a board member, a volunteer, a services vendor, a contractor, and a consultant. I've worked with the tiniest ones that are run solely by volunteers, like the National Center for Community Collaboration. I've worked with large ones that have thousands of volunteer and paid staff members, such as the University of Denver. As part of my community outreach and marketing efforts, I've conducted informational interviews with more than 75 board members, development directors, executive directors, and operations directors in the Denver area.

My frustration has often been the snail's pace at which things happen in nonprofits, especially as compared to the lightning speed at which small-business owners move. When I see that transformational change is possible, I want to go, go, go make it happen! The pieces of the jigsaw puzzle that ensure the nonprofit achieves its mission are all there: money, expertise, passion, and time. It's just that someone, or a few folks, need to sit down and, in one marathon all-nighter, fit those yellow, white, and green bits together to reveal the tranquil landscape pictured on the outside of the puzzle box.

But I've realized that it is almost always only incremental change that's possible in nonprofit organizations. Once-a-month board meetings, executive directors with impossibly complex job descriptions who work for below-market wages, an economy that has squeezed Americans' ability to give, and many other factors conspire to limit the way we can fit the puzzle pieces together.

Instead of funders, staff, volunteers, and the community sitting down at the table together to work on the puzzle together, one person at a time meanders by the puzzle table and tries to make a piece fit here or there. Sometimes, on a coffee break, a couple of folks chat over the puzzle while they sip their steaming beverages and quickly find five pieces that fit together. Once in a while, someone who thinks she knows better will remove a piece that's already been fitted correctly in order to see if there is another piece that works better there.

Eventually, though, we start to see larger and larger pieces of the whole: a lake in the background comes together, a fox materalizes at the lower right-hand corner, a sunny mountainside pops out, just needing a couple of pieces to make it complete. These microcosms of the larger landscape represent corporate sponsorships falling into place, or finally getting that policies and procedures manual completed, or identifying the organization's core competencies.

As the picture becomes clearer, and we see that it is indeed possible to re-create that photo from the front of the puzzle box, we get more and more excited. People stop by the puzzle table more often, and in larger groups, and for longer periods of time. It becomes more and more obvious where the remaining pieces fit. Finally, the puzzle is complete!

We stare in wonder and pride at the hungry folks who have received nutritious meals, the students who graduate from high school, the refugees who now have housing. We remember back to the monstrous pile of 1,500 pieces of cardboard and paper we looked at when we first dumped them out of the box. We feel proud of the contribution each of us made, though it took a long time and we faced many moments of despair along the way. And we think, "Easy does it. Slow and steady. Never give up."

The Power of the Flirt

I have become a master flirt. The ingredients: being in the moment, being willing to take risks, and laughing along with the universe. When I think "flirt," I think: be interested in other people, make their day, and have fun.

People, I'm here to tell you that it is possible to flirt with anyone, anytime. Prime example: Sunday's trip to Whole Foods. I went to get some delicious bits for a Valentine's Day feast. Consequently, I was in an even happier mood than usual.

While walking through fruits and vegetables, I tried to catch a few people's eye. No go. I hit the seafood department and focused intently on the shrimp, thinking that this shopping trip might turn out to be an unusually non-flirty night at WF. Just out of the corner of my eye, I caught movement. I glanced over and saw that the guy at the seafood counter was looking at me. This is "flirt radar." If you want to play, you have to notice people noticing you.

I noticed dark brown eyes, a slim build, and a boy-next-door look, all in a split second. This is another skill of the flirt: taking in a lot of detail in a very short amount of time. He gazed at me and flashed a brilliant smile. Be still my beating heart. I am a sucker for a million-dollar smile. I smiled back and took the positive energy of that interaction with me through my slow wandering up and down the aisles in search of treats. Four guys met my gaze with the "Hey, what's up?" look, sometimes more than once. This is what flirts do: look, look longer, smile.

When I made it to the checkout counter, I could tell the cashier was not in a good place. This is unusual for WF employees. Normally, they let their freak flags fly and are into the groove of the moment. So I took her in: her hair, her makeup, her clothes, her nametag. I asked, "Do you have any special plans for Valentine's Day?"

"No. It's just any other day for me," she said, looking down and away. A heartbeat passed. I looked at her openly, empathetically, expectantly. "But I might take my daughter to the movies," she said. "She loves Justin Bieber movies, and there's a new one out."

"Oh, that's wonderful!" I said, smiling broadly. "That's a great Valentine's Day gift."

"And she loves strawberries," the woman said, "so I'm going to get her some before I go home tonight."

"She'll love it!" I exclaimed. By then, the transaction was done, and I looked at her--again, really looked at her--and said, "You and your daughter will have a great day." She handed me my receipt with a shy look of satisfaction. I noticed that she had tiny red hearts painted on her nails. "Oh, and look at your nails. How cute!"

She laughed a little and said, "You know, I just love to wear red. It's my favorite color. So Valentine's Day lets me do that." She held out her hand for me to examine the intricate pink, red, and white nail work she'd had done. Just another day, huh?

That's the power of the flirt.

Upsy Daisy

Some people are lucky to ever get a flash of knowing, where they can see how interconnected we all are: us to each other on a face-to-face level, us to each other on a super-conscious level, and us to a higher power. Lately, everything is coalescing for me, and I get the sense of knowing more and more continuously. It happens so much that I vibrate at a higher level. I live in that world of connectedness almost all the time now.

I love it here. It's stunningly beautiful. It's warm and bright and happy. It's better than sitting on a rock in the silent desert in the heat of the day. It's better than hearing the birds fly over your tent early in the morning. It's better than floating in a cool pool on a hot day. It's better than seeing a wild animal in its natural habitat before it sees you.

Why is this world of connectedness better than any of those things? Because I can see and feel and hear them any time I want to. Not just remember them, but actually experience them. If you'd told me that a year ago, I'd have told you that you were coo coo for cocoa puffs. Well, I wouldn't have told you to your face, but I'd have thought it for sure.

And now, well, I'm a believer. The more I open my mind to the world and all of its possibilities, the bigger my heart gets. The more my heart expands, the more my soul grows. They keep chasing each other, laughing and tumbling through fields of daisies, like children who never contemplate day's end, or if they do, it's only to give a moment's thought to how much fun they'll have tomorrow. And if I think regretfully of the past, one of them tells a joke that involves chicken feathers. Or asks me what shape I think souls take. Or sends me to kirtan to chant and bliss out.

So here's that shakes out in a workaday world:

I laugh a lot.
I do more of the more meaningful work.
More than ever before, I see all sides of things.
I attract like-minded people into my life.
I learn things at the speed of light.
I forgive easily.

Here's it shakes out in life:

I breathe. Deeply.
I sing my heart out in the car.
I get high on protein, yoga, and endorphins.
I listen to hip-hop music super loud and turn the bass up to get the full effect.
I really feel for the guy who fell off his bar stool at the local divey bar.
I do cookies in unplowed parking lots.
I flirt and watch what happens.

I'm Just along for the Ride, Friend

I went on a roller-coaster ride with my 15-year-old mentee, Consuelo, this past summer--the first time in more than twenty years. Consuelo, a veteran rider, summed up the whole experience while waiting in the long, hellishly hot line: "It's like I want to go, but I don't."

"Why do you go, then?" I asked her, thinking we were maybe going to have to wind our way back through hundreds of people to get out of line. "Well, it's really exciting to think about it," she said, "but you have to close your eyes the whole time and then afterwards sometimes you feel like you're going to throw up."

This pretty well encapsulated my thoughts about dating as I wrote my first online profile. I was thrilled and terrified. Putting some version of myself online for hundreds, thousands, or hundreds of thousands of folks to see--it takes a certain amount of moxie. But, never having come up short in that category, I stepped off the wooden platform and into the tiny little cart, strapped myself in, grabbed the lap bar, and held on tight.

In one week, I've corresponded in some way or other with dozens of guys. I've read hundreds of profiles and confirmed what a single gal--who moved from Philly to "Menver"--told me: that a whole lot of guys really like their dogs, their bikes, and their snowboards. Some of these profiles are funny, some are spiritual, but most of them are simple, everyday stuff. These guys are just looking for a connection to another human being.

As a result of this process, I realized two things. First, it's hard to get a feel for someone when they sound like just like everyone else. This is the bad thing about online dating. But it has inspired me to get out my marketing copywriting brain and sell myself while still being myself. It seems to be working fairly well so far: one in-person date and three phone dates with a future date planned. One guy even told me I had a really good publicist.

Second, I don't have to close my eyes and hang on. These are just people, like me. Each one has his own quirks, and yet I find so much in common with almost all of them. As one remarkable gentleman said to me today, "The more we remove those barriers to being one, the more we remember that we were always one." Amen, brother.

I'm going along for the ride. I might hang onto the lap bar once in a while when I go around a wicked curve, but I'm also going to be one of those people who puts her hands in the air and yells with delight all the way down every hill.

Thankful

The last few months have brought a lot of heartache and pain, and also wonderful gifts, learning, and personal growth. As the season changed to fall, I faced many new firsts in the year of firsts without my partner: my birthday, first rain, first snow, first bitter cold day, and of course, the first Thanksgiving. I wondered how I would feel on the holiday, and of course I welcomed back into my heart three of my friends: sadness, and joy, and gratitude.

If there's anything I've learned in the last five months, it's that nothing is black and white. Nothing happens when and how you think it will, so you might as well just relax, have fun, and go along for the ride. I am grateful for the people who have helped me learn those lessons, even when it hurt.

I am also grateful for:

CorePower Yoga and all of the teachers there, especially Maya, Amy Mc, Linda Lou, and Kate; without knowing it, you helped me get through a crisis and then made me a stronger person

My bike, which has taken me on hundreds of miles of paths this summer and given me an outlet for all of my grief and frustration, and also my joyful energy

My sister Lindsey, who will, when she rides with me, ring her bell in the tunnels and yell "Wheeeeee!" on the way down the hills just for the pure fun of it

Emily, who just gets me and is there for me no matter what; her strength and ability to give are bottomless

Heather, Jennifer, Linda, Pam, Erik, Kate, Dan P, Amy, Dru, Tammy, my mom, and Laurie for everything they did to get me this far along in this process, including laughing, packing, moving, unpacking, eating, hanging up stuff in the new place, listening, and talking

Jean Oliphant of Nostalgic Homes, who happens to be my aunt, for her patience during the sale of my house

My therapist Chris, who holds the mirror up without judgment and expertly guides me along this journey of self-exploration, constant change, and growth

The abundance of healthy food that has kept my body fueled

All of the music that has been my constant companion, from country to hip hop to classical to pop to indie rock; the long tail that makes so much music available to us so instantly has been a boon to me

The gift of meditation that led me to my first sustained meeting with a higher power

The executive director and board and committee members of Smart-Girl, who took up the slack when I couldn't be present

My mentee Consuelo, who is a beautiful spirit with a heart of gold and a smile that blinds me with its brilliance

An old car that's paid off and runs, most of the time, without a hitch

My apartment, which is cozy and inviting and doesn't require maintenance

There is more, but I'm thinking this is pretty darn good list. My friends--sadness, joy, and gratitude--think so, too.

Views of Las Vegas

My sister Lindsey took me to Las Vegas for my birthday, and we had more fun in four days than most people pack into months of everyday living.

Takeaways from the trip:

-There is nothing like the desolate beauty of the desert. Driving with the top down, far from the city, it's quiet and eerie and lovely. There was a full moon for my birthday that bathed the entire desert in whitewash. Stunning.

-Five-star dining is worth every. single. penny. Watching the Bellagio fountains while sitting right on the lake, having the sommelier pair your wine with your courses, sitting surrounded by fresh flowers and original Picasso paintings, eating food that puts you as close to heaven as you can get on this earth.

-Vegas has the highest concentration of the shortest skirts and the highest heels in the entire U.S.

-Aussie men sure can move (highly recommend the Thunder from Down Under show for you ladies when you visit). Whew. That still makes my heart beat fast.

-Cirque de Soleil shows are worth every. single. penny. We saw "O." I doubt any production can rival it. It was a feast for the eyes and ears.

-A day by the pool in your own personal cabana calms the mind and soothes the soul.

-There is no other city in the world where a gigantic chandelier made of tequila bottles seems totally appropriate, and even pretty.


Quotes I'll always remember from the trip:

"We stop at pancakes house."
"They don't call it sin city for nothin'."
"That's a totally different dude!"
"Acapulco lilies make me sneezy."
"I was marked."
"The club can't even handle me right now."
"It gives me a thrill to come out of a place knowing the Mustang is waiting."

Oh, and though it's not really a quote: the blank stare I got from the young, fit-looking guys who work at the hotel when I asked them where I could go to hike. Suffice it to say that Vegas is not really an outdoorsy, exercise-oriented town.

Thanks for the trip and the beautiful memories, Lindsey. SF.

Divorce FAQs: How to Talk to Your Friends Who Are Going Through a Breakup

I've had my fair share of loss: my job, my dog, three grandparents, two uncles, my dad in the process of his divorce from my mother, friends who didn't want to be friends anymore, and my money. Of course I've learned wondrous life lessons from all of it and have grown tremendously as a human being. Loss has made me more appreciative of what I do have, including an extensive support system of family and friends, a lovely home, and relative stability in tough economic times.

Divorce is by far the biggest loss of them all. I've lost my constant companion--the person who was my best friend for 20 years--and my money (again). I will lose the home and garden I lovingly created and tended for ten years. The list goes on.

Even in the midst of my pain and grief, though, I can see the beauty in life and my fellow travelers. And it is in this spirit that I offer a few words of loving advice to those who are watching a friend or family member go through a divorce or breakup. These are the divorce FAQs, and I hope they help you support that special person in your life who is suffering.

1. What should I say to someone going through a divorce? I don't know the right words.

For anyone who is suffering with grief and loss, the most appropriate words are some version of, "This must be so hard for you." Other options along the same vein:

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

"I can't understand what you're going through, but I know you must be hurting."

"I love you so much. I am here for you."

Really, these few little words mean the whole world to your friend. You don't need to say anything other than that.

2. How can I fix it? I feel like I need to offer solutions.

You can't fix it. No one can. If it was fixable, your friend would have fixed it. The person in pain has likely already thought through all of his or her options and must do what seems right in the moment. Support those choices; try your hardest not to question them. Your questions are probably more about you and your curiosity and your need to fix than about helping the person.

Some examples of questions and statements that may cause pain:

"Did you try going to counseling?"

"Did s/he have an affair?"

"You know, you really need to work to understand your part in this."

"You could keep the house/car/kids/furnishings if you would just..."

"Did you do everything you could to save the marriage?"

"I can't believe you can even talk to him/her."

"Why aren't you getting an attorney?"

Remember: even if you've been divorced, you have no idea what it's like to go through this divorce, so your questions and proclamations may sound more like judgments. And do the answers matter anyway? Will they make you love your friend any more or any less?

3. What can I do to make the person feel better? I need to do something.

The best way to help the person is to tell him/her exactly what you can do to help. Offers of any kind of help ("Just tell me what to do.") seem empty, and the person doesn't really know what to do with them. What's more helpful:

"I have a truck, and I'm willing to help you load it up and take things to charity or storage on the weekends."

"I can sit and keep you company for a couple of hours on Monday or Wednesday nights."

"I'd love to walk/ride bikes/go to Zumba class with you. Could we plan to do that every couple of weeks?"

"I'd like to bring you some healthy food you can heat up and eat for a few meals."

In other words, be specific, and be genuine. You may overwhelmed by your friend's grief and unable to offer help. That's OK, too. See FAQ #1.

If you're willing to help, keep offering. It's hard for people in our society to ask for or accept help, and it may take a few times for the person to feel comfortable taking you up on your offer. One-time offers may be forgotten or not taken seriously, so keep it up.

4. Why is s/he still sad? It's been a while since it happened.

"A while" is a relative term when someone is experiencing grief and loss. Grief is a nonlinear process, meaning it does not follow a certain path. Each person grieves in a different way, and for a different amount of time. And even when the person seems to be "over it," s/he may experience a sense of extreme loss months or years later. This may show up as sadness, or anger, or depression.

Your friend may be really happy one day and despondent the next. Be patient. Be kind. Be loving. This is a really hard thing for your friend to go through, and the process doesn't just end one day. Some words to use to help normalize your friend's feelings:

"Sometimes grief can really take you by surprise."

"I'm so sorry that day/season/experience/anniversary was a trigger for your grief. It's totally understandable."

Your friend needs your love and support right after the breakup and for the weeks and months that follow. S/he will be suffering in unpredictable ways for an unpredictable amount of time, so reach out when you can just to ask how things are going. You're busy with your own life, and your friend understands that, but when you check in by emailing, calling, or sending a card, it means more than you'll ever know.

In the Thick of Things

Seth Godin posted on his blog today about the world of possibilities in relation to a hiker called Wolf who carries 14 pounds of weight on his treks. For you non-hiking, non-camping people out there, 14 pounds is sort of like the four-minute mile: theoretically impossible, but somehow achievable by the elite few.

In the the story Godin referred to, the McDuffy couple was inspired by Wolf. Each time the McDuffy couple returned from their hikes, they gave away more of their stuff, including a boat, pickup, and windsurfer. Ultimately, they stopped paying for insurance on their home and belongings because they knew that they could live, "...in a much smaller house with drastically fewer possessions."

Having just renegotiated my homeowners' insurance and purchased an umbrella policy to further protect all of my things, this story struck a chord with me. Just how much stuff does one person need to survive? How much food, how much furniture, how many cars, how many toys? I probably spend more money on flowers to make my deck pretty each spring than some families spend on food in two months. Then I water those flowers three or four or five times a week, and they die at the end of the season.

In mouse type at the bottom of the article, it says that both of the McDuffys were killed in hit-and-run accidents (two separate accidents two years apart) while riding their bikes. It struck me how unjust that was--they were doing a fantastic job figuring out the whole life thing, and then they were taken from it. But then I realized that they had probably learned all they needed to in this world and were ready to move on to another plane of existence.

My umbrella insurance policy and I are nowhere near that plane, but I am inspired. I am thinking.

Measuring Success of Special Events in Nonprofits

Today I attended a webinar titled "In Defense of Events: Measuring Success Beyond the Bottom Line," which was sponsored by GiftWorks Fundraising Software. I've taught classes on fundraising and have had a tough time defending special events, so I was looking for a fresh perspective on this method of fundraising and friendraising. Mission accomplished.

Here are just a few ways to measure success beyond the net funds generated by the event as a whole (based on my personal experience, the classes I've taught, and the recent GiftWorks webinar):

• Number of paid tickets
• Total number of guests
• Number of sponsored tables
• Number of guests in certain categories, such as sponsors or "young community leaders"
• Number of new participants (sponsors and individuals)
• Contribution margin per guest (revenue less expenses, then divide that result by number of guests); this is the amount that is tax deductible for the guest, so larger is better
• Number of media placements before and after the event
• Number of impressions from media placements (circulation numbers of each media source)
• Number of ads placed in program, and number of dollars earned from those ads
• Number of sponsors, and total sponsor dollars
• Number of vendors
• Number of contacts added to the database
• Percentage of growth in any of the above categories year over year, or a three-year or five-year growth rate
• Number of people interested in volunteering added to the database

More lessons learned about special events to follow!