Emotionally Focused Therapy -- Breakthrough!

My sister, who is working on her master's degree in psychology, told me about a treatment modality called Emotionally Focused Therapy that is becoming more and more accepted as THE way to work with couples in counseling. I'm reading a book about it called Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson and have gone through a couple of sessions with a counselor who uses this method. And I have to say it's pretty amazing.

The premise is that like children, adults must also have emotional attachments. The bond between adults is more reciprocal, and when it's between lovers, it's also sexual, but the point is that we're not happy unless we have deep, meaningful, emotional bonds with other adults. Until we address the underlying, most fundamental emotional connection issues, all the active listening and negotiation in the world is not going to make a happy marriage. Ding ding ding ding! Tell her which fabulous prize she's won, Bob!

This theory immediately resonated with me and spoke to everything I felt, though it went against everything I thought. I (like you?) have learned that adults need to be self-sufficient and entirely independent. It's nice if you have close relationships friends and family, but you're a bit odd and perhaps need some therapy if you *rely* on others for emotional support. And if you count on your life partner to be your best friend, lover, cheerleader, teacher, and coach, well, good luck to you. That was all of the programming I was fighting as my emotional side was saying, "Oh, finally! Yes, yes, yes! I do need someone I can count on, and I need to be the person he counts on."

Click. Lots of things just fell into place. Like why I don't really feel safe with friends who aren't there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to. Like why I never have conflict with the people who are there for me--those folks are not perfect, but we quickly and successfully resolve any little trifling problems because the relationship is solid. Like why that distant, analytical, judgmental side of me never really fit somehow.

If this resonates with you, I'd encourage you to read the book Hold Me Tight. It's written for the lay person but still talks about the research behind Emotionally Focused Therapy. It guides you through several meaningful dialogues you can use with your partner (this book is geared toward the relationship between lovers, but much of it applies to anyone with whom you'd like to have a deep emotional bond). And it validates the need we have for real and reliable emotional attachment to other human beings.