Thankful

The last few months have brought a lot of heartache and pain, and also wonderful gifts, learning, and personal growth. As the season changed to fall, I faced many new firsts in the year of firsts without my partner: my birthday, first rain, first snow, first bitter cold day, and of course, the first Thanksgiving. I wondered how I would feel on the holiday, and of course I welcomed back into my heart three of my friends: sadness, and joy, and gratitude.

If there's anything I've learned in the last five months, it's that nothing is black and white. Nothing happens when and how you think it will, so you might as well just relax, have fun, and go along for the ride. I am grateful for the people who have helped me learn those lessons, even when it hurt.

I am also grateful for:

CorePower Yoga and all of the teachers there, especially Maya, Amy Mc, Linda Lou, and Kate; without knowing it, you helped me get through a crisis and then made me a stronger person

My bike, which has taken me on hundreds of miles of paths this summer and given me an outlet for all of my grief and frustration, and also my joyful energy

My sister Lindsey, who will, when she rides with me, ring her bell in the tunnels and yell "Wheeeeee!" on the way down the hills just for the pure fun of it

Emily, who just gets me and is there for me no matter what; her strength and ability to give are bottomless

Heather, Jennifer, Linda, Pam, Erik, Kate, Dan P, Amy, Dru, Tammy, my mom, and Laurie for everything they did to get me this far along in this process, including laughing, packing, moving, unpacking, eating, hanging up stuff in the new place, listening, and talking

Jean Oliphant of Nostalgic Homes, who happens to be my aunt, for her patience during the sale of my house

My therapist Chris, who holds the mirror up without judgment and expertly guides me along this journey of self-exploration, constant change, and growth

The abundance of healthy food that has kept my body fueled

All of the music that has been my constant companion, from country to hip hop to classical to pop to indie rock; the long tail that makes so much music available to us so instantly has been a boon to me

The gift of meditation that led me to my first sustained meeting with a higher power

The executive director and board and committee members of Smart-Girl, who took up the slack when I couldn't be present

My mentee Consuelo, who is a beautiful spirit with a heart of gold and a smile that blinds me with its brilliance

An old car that's paid off and runs, most of the time, without a hitch

My apartment, which is cozy and inviting and doesn't require maintenance

There is more, but I'm thinking this is pretty darn good list. My friends--sadness, joy, and gratitude--think so, too.

Views of Las Vegas

My sister Lindsey took me to Las Vegas for my birthday, and we had more fun in four days than most people pack into months of everyday living.

Takeaways from the trip:

-There is nothing like the desolate beauty of the desert. Driving with the top down, far from the city, it's quiet and eerie and lovely. There was a full moon for my birthday that bathed the entire desert in whitewash. Stunning.

-Five-star dining is worth every. single. penny. Watching the Bellagio fountains while sitting right on the lake, having the sommelier pair your wine with your courses, sitting surrounded by fresh flowers and original Picasso paintings, eating food that puts you as close to heaven as you can get on this earth.

-Vegas has the highest concentration of the shortest skirts and the highest heels in the entire U.S.

-Aussie men sure can move (highly recommend the Thunder from Down Under show for you ladies when you visit). Whew. That still makes my heart beat fast.

-Cirque de Soleil shows are worth every. single. penny. We saw "O." I doubt any production can rival it. It was a feast for the eyes and ears.

-A day by the pool in your own personal cabana calms the mind and soothes the soul.

-There is no other city in the world where a gigantic chandelier made of tequila bottles seems totally appropriate, and even pretty.


Quotes I'll always remember from the trip:

"We stop at pancakes house."
"They don't call it sin city for nothin'."
"That's a totally different dude!"
"Acapulco lilies make me sneezy."
"I was marked."
"The club can't even handle me right now."
"It gives me a thrill to come out of a place knowing the Mustang is waiting."

Oh, and though it's not really a quote: the blank stare I got from the young, fit-looking guys who work at the hotel when I asked them where I could go to hike. Suffice it to say that Vegas is not really an outdoorsy, exercise-oriented town.

Thanks for the trip and the beautiful memories, Lindsey. SF.

Divorce FAQs: How to Talk to Your Friends Who Are Going Through a Breakup

I've had my fair share of loss: my job, my dog, three grandparents, two uncles, my dad in the process of his divorce from my mother, friends who didn't want to be friends anymore, and my money. Of course I've learned wondrous life lessons from all of it and have grown tremendously as a human being. Loss has made me more appreciative of what I do have, including an extensive support system of family and friends, a lovely home, and relative stability in tough economic times.

Divorce is by far the biggest loss of them all. I've lost my constant companion--the person who was my best friend for 20 years--and my money (again). I will lose the home and garden I lovingly created and tended for ten years. The list goes on.

Even in the midst of my pain and grief, though, I can see the beauty in life and my fellow travelers. And it is in this spirit that I offer a few words of loving advice to those who are watching a friend or family member go through a divorce or breakup. These are the divorce FAQs, and I hope they help you support that special person in your life who is suffering.

1. What should I say to someone going through a divorce? I don't know the right words.

For anyone who is suffering with grief and loss, the most appropriate words are some version of, "This must be so hard for you." Other options along the same vein:

"I'm so sorry for your loss."

"I can't understand what you're going through, but I know you must be hurting."

"I love you so much. I am here for you."

Really, these few little words mean the whole world to your friend. You don't need to say anything other than that.

2. How can I fix it? I feel like I need to offer solutions.

You can't fix it. No one can. If it was fixable, your friend would have fixed it. The person in pain has likely already thought through all of his or her options and must do what seems right in the moment. Support those choices; try your hardest not to question them. Your questions are probably more about you and your curiosity and your need to fix than about helping the person.

Some examples of questions and statements that may cause pain:

"Did you try going to counseling?"

"Did s/he have an affair?"

"You know, you really need to work to understand your part in this."

"You could keep the house/car/kids/furnishings if you would just..."

"Did you do everything you could to save the marriage?"

"I can't believe you can even talk to him/her."

"Why aren't you getting an attorney?"

Remember: even if you've been divorced, you have no idea what it's like to go through this divorce, so your questions and proclamations may sound more like judgments. And do the answers matter anyway? Will they make you love your friend any more or any less?

3. What can I do to make the person feel better? I need to do something.

The best way to help the person is to tell him/her exactly what you can do to help. Offers of any kind of help ("Just tell me what to do.") seem empty, and the person doesn't really know what to do with them. What's more helpful:

"I have a truck, and I'm willing to help you load it up and take things to charity or storage on the weekends."

"I can sit and keep you company for a couple of hours on Monday or Wednesday nights."

"I'd love to walk/ride bikes/go to Zumba class with you. Could we plan to do that every couple of weeks?"

"I'd like to bring you some healthy food you can heat up and eat for a few meals."

In other words, be specific, and be genuine. You may overwhelmed by your friend's grief and unable to offer help. That's OK, too. See FAQ #1.

If you're willing to help, keep offering. It's hard for people in our society to ask for or accept help, and it may take a few times for the person to feel comfortable taking you up on your offer. One-time offers may be forgotten or not taken seriously, so keep it up.

4. Why is s/he still sad? It's been a while since it happened.

"A while" is a relative term when someone is experiencing grief and loss. Grief is a nonlinear process, meaning it does not follow a certain path. Each person grieves in a different way, and for a different amount of time. And even when the person seems to be "over it," s/he may experience a sense of extreme loss months or years later. This may show up as sadness, or anger, or depression.

Your friend may be really happy one day and despondent the next. Be patient. Be kind. Be loving. This is a really hard thing for your friend to go through, and the process doesn't just end one day. Some words to use to help normalize your friend's feelings:

"Sometimes grief can really take you by surprise."

"I'm so sorry that day/season/experience/anniversary was a trigger for your grief. It's totally understandable."

Your friend needs your love and support right after the breakup and for the weeks and months that follow. S/he will be suffering in unpredictable ways for an unpredictable amount of time, so reach out when you can just to ask how things are going. You're busy with your own life, and your friend understands that, but when you check in by emailing, calling, or sending a card, it means more than you'll ever know.

In the Thick of Things

Seth Godin posted on his blog today about the world of possibilities in relation to a hiker called Wolf who carries 14 pounds of weight on his treks. For you non-hiking, non-camping people out there, 14 pounds is sort of like the four-minute mile: theoretically impossible, but somehow achievable by the elite few.

In the the story Godin referred to, the McDuffy couple was inspired by Wolf. Each time the McDuffy couple returned from their hikes, they gave away more of their stuff, including a boat, pickup, and windsurfer. Ultimately, they stopped paying for insurance on their home and belongings because they knew that they could live, "...in a much smaller house with drastically fewer possessions."

Having just renegotiated my homeowners' insurance and purchased an umbrella policy to further protect all of my things, this story struck a chord with me. Just how much stuff does one person need to survive? How much food, how much furniture, how many cars, how many toys? I probably spend more money on flowers to make my deck pretty each spring than some families spend on food in two months. Then I water those flowers three or four or five times a week, and they die at the end of the season.

In mouse type at the bottom of the article, it says that both of the McDuffys were killed in hit-and-run accidents (two separate accidents two years apart) while riding their bikes. It struck me how unjust that was--they were doing a fantastic job figuring out the whole life thing, and then they were taken from it. But then I realized that they had probably learned all they needed to in this world and were ready to move on to another plane of existence.

My umbrella insurance policy and I are nowhere near that plane, but I am inspired. I am thinking.

Measuring Success of Special Events in Nonprofits

Today I attended a webinar titled "In Defense of Events: Measuring Success Beyond the Bottom Line," which was sponsored by GiftWorks Fundraising Software. I've taught classes on fundraising and have had a tough time defending special events, so I was looking for a fresh perspective on this method of fundraising and friendraising. Mission accomplished.

Here are just a few ways to measure success beyond the net funds generated by the event as a whole (based on my personal experience, the classes I've taught, and the recent GiftWorks webinar):

• Number of paid tickets
• Total number of guests
• Number of sponsored tables
• Number of guests in certain categories, such as sponsors or "young community leaders"
• Number of new participants (sponsors and individuals)
• Contribution margin per guest (revenue less expenses, then divide that result by number of guests); this is the amount that is tax deductible for the guest, so larger is better
• Number of media placements before and after the event
• Number of impressions from media placements (circulation numbers of each media source)
• Number of ads placed in program, and number of dollars earned from those ads
• Number of sponsors, and total sponsor dollars
• Number of vendors
• Number of contacts added to the database
• Percentage of growth in any of the above categories year over year, or a three-year or five-year growth rate
• Number of people interested in volunteering added to the database

More lessons learned about special events to follow!

How to Talk to a 14-Year-Old Girl

I spent last Friday night with my mentee, Consuelo, learning what adolescent girls are facing these days, and how to talk about it. Rosalind Wiseman spoke at Girls, Inc. on the topics of communication, bullying, and why your mom "freaks out." The event was sponsored by Dove, who has a world-wide campaign for real beauty they've been working on for some time. While I expected a lot more interaction and a lot less of the speaker talking, I got some valuable tips. And it opened some doors I didn't know how to open with a 14-year-old girl. So it was time well spent.

Here are some tips for moms and mentors that I found particularly helpful:

-Affirm her feelings.

-Don't ask a million questions.

-Ask if she's venting or wants advice.

-If she's venting, keep your trap shut.

-Don't use her slang. It's not cool.

-Ask her what she means if you don't understand.

-Share your experience without lecturing.

-Just stand there. Really. Pay attention. Listen.

-Let her make "mistakes," meaning she's not going to do it your way.

-Accept silence. People who are comfortable with each other don't need to talk constantly.

-Don't ever make fun of her (not that I would do this, but it's a good reminder).

-Apologize when you screw up. Model that good behavior.

Exercise as Meditation

It's been a while since I last posted: I've been working quite a bit and spending time on volunteer endeavors. I've also been creating space and new energy for spring, the new year, and the new decade. A piece of creating that energy is getting outside again to work in the garden and walk.

Walking in the neighborhood is convenient and quiet, which I appreciate. But I also walk on trails and in open space parks to change the scenery and listen to new bird song. No matter the location, I notice the little things, like how the bare spring branches look against the blue, blue sky. Or how tiny the purple flowers are on the ground cover that has just greened up. Or how the grumpy old man who walks with his grumpy dog twice a day, every single day seems a little less stooped when the weather turns warmer.

The robin's song is calming, while the grackle's and the red-winged blackbird's calls give me a little jolt of energy. When there is water, I tune in to the sound of it and slow down to admire a particularly fast or slow place in the stream and think about the fish that are (I hope) swimming there. Sunlight-dappled trails, stunning views of the mountains, and watching the growth of the leaves on the trees engender an intensely meditative state even while I am breathing hard and working with my hand weights.

Interestingly, what I do not like about these walks is interacting with other folks on the trail. Colorado walkers and bikers usually say hello as they pass, and I don't want to say hi back. Being an extrovert, this seems like a contradiction in my personality, but it does drive me a little mad. I am "in the zone" when I'm walking, and having to make eye contact with and greet dozens or hundreds of people takes me right out of it. I feel like I'm dating or networking at sonic speed, which is exhausting.

Exercise, for me, is meditation. I've tried to problem solve on these walks alone, and my mind is just blank. I wonder how many other people feel the same way. Perhaps we could all just say no to speed dating on the trail and instead focus on our breathing and just which shade of blue the sky is today. Would that make the time spent outside more satisfying, and more fun?

You Had Me at Hello

It seems like a lot of people get really grumpy about Valentine's Day, and I'm not sure why. Maybe you think it's only for lovers, and without a lover, there's nothing to celebrate. Maybe you think it's just another Hallmark-manufactured holiday that has no meaning. Or maybe you feel you can't live up to the unexpressed, unknown wishes of your honey-bun. Let me provide a little perspective.

Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. The way I see it, Valentine's Day is a time to tell all the people you love just how much they mean to you. It's the one day a year when your friends and family won't bat an eye if they get a card or a call just to say, "I love you and I'm really glad you're in my life." I sent more than 60 Valentine cards this year, and I felt scroogish that I hadn't sent more. But almost everyone says that mine was the only Valentine they received. Maybe that made it all the more special, but I'm still surprised by the lack of heart sharing.

Perhaps you can do what I do; to get in the Valentine's mood, I watch my favorite love stories: Chocolat, Don Juan de Marco, Pretty Woman, and Jerry Maguire. This year I added a couple of the old love stories: Love in the Afternoon with Audrey Hepburn and Gary Cooper and An Affair to Remember with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr.

An Affair to Remember has one of the most beautiful scenes I've ever watched. The two main characters, who were both engaged to other people but had started to fall for each other while on a cruise, visit his grandmother. She lives in an island villa at one of the ports where the ship stops for the day. It is one of the most romantic, lovely couple of hours ever. His love for his grandmother shines through, and there's just a hint of a budding love between the two stars. Here's a great montage of the movie that gives you the flavor of it.

These old love stories are without special effects, noise, and explosions. They are perhaps the most simple, back-to-the-basics stories, with haunting music and almost Spartan sets. But in their simplicity, or maybe because of it, they ring true. They remind me why I love Valentine's Day, and perhaps they will inspire you to share your love, too.

Emotionally Focused Therapy -- Breakthrough!

My sister, who is working on her master's degree in psychology, told me about a treatment modality called Emotionally Focused Therapy that is becoming more and more accepted as THE way to work with couples in counseling. I'm reading a book about it called Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson and have gone through a couple of sessions with a counselor who uses this method. And I have to say it's pretty amazing.

The premise is that like children, adults must also have emotional attachments. The bond between adults is more reciprocal, and when it's between lovers, it's also sexual, but the point is that we're not happy unless we have deep, meaningful, emotional bonds with other adults. Until we address the underlying, most fundamental emotional connection issues, all the active listening and negotiation in the world is not going to make a happy marriage. Ding ding ding ding! Tell her which fabulous prize she's won, Bob!

This theory immediately resonated with me and spoke to everything I felt, though it went against everything I thought. I (like you?) have learned that adults need to be self-sufficient and entirely independent. It's nice if you have close relationships friends and family, but you're a bit odd and perhaps need some therapy if you *rely* on others for emotional support. And if you count on your life partner to be your best friend, lover, cheerleader, teacher, and coach, well, good luck to you. That was all of the programming I was fighting as my emotional side was saying, "Oh, finally! Yes, yes, yes! I do need someone I can count on, and I need to be the person he counts on."

Click. Lots of things just fell into place. Like why I don't really feel safe with friends who aren't there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to. Like why I never have conflict with the people who are there for me--those folks are not perfect, but we quickly and successfully resolve any little trifling problems because the relationship is solid. Like why that distant, analytical, judgmental side of me never really fit somehow.

If this resonates with you, I'd encourage you to read the book Hold Me Tight. It's written for the lay person but still talks about the research behind Emotionally Focused Therapy. It guides you through several meaningful dialogues you can use with your partner (this book is geared toward the relationship between lovers, but much of it applies to anyone with whom you'd like to have a deep emotional bond). And it validates the need we have for real and reliable emotional attachment to other human beings.

A Little Trust Goes a Long Way

I have a fairly long-standing relationship with one of my clients--I'll call her Lauren. Lauren sends quite a bit of work my way, and it's work I enjoy. I have to use many different skills to do this work, including sales, relationship building, writing, editing, critical thinking, problem solving, and organization. So it keeps me on my toes. An added bonus from this relationship is that Lauren makes me laugh. She sends me emails at midnight that have witty little comments thrown in, mostly about people she doesn't like all that much.

She's fairly critical of people, and she has high standards. I understand this because I have high expectations, too--a character trait for which I've been both faulted and lauded. The fact that she continues to send me work is the highest compliment. She trusts me to do right by her.

Even so, it took me by surprise when she asked me to write a letter for her mother. Her mom needs help resolving an issue with "an institution," and Lauren is too tired and busy with work to do it right now. "I'll have her send you some bullet points, and you can write the letter. Is that OK?" Are you kidding? You trust me with your own mother's personal business, and you're sending me more work, and you want to know if it's OK? Um, yeah, I'm humbled and grateful, and you just made my day.

An Eye for an Eye

Driving through a neighborhood last week with my sister, not too far from my house, she pointed out a bumper sticker that says, "Hatred of homosexuals is a family value." I'd like to make a bumper sticker that says, "Hate is not one of my family values."

Talking with a neighbor a couple of months ago, I learned that some neighbors were very vocal about "those people" (Latinos) moving into a house down the street. "Those people" volunteered to help us move our mountain of mulch just to be nice, by the way.

In a meeting with a few faculty members at DU, one person talked about how she cried her way through her PhD program. It's where she experienced full-fledged "body hatred" by others (the PhD students in the program) for the first time.

I am in support of the first amendment. I acknowledge that everyone is at a different point on a continuum of experience and awareness. I try to meet people where they are, and I expect them to meet me where I am.

But where's the love, for cryin' out loud? Where's the understanding, the patience, and the caring? Where's our humanity? Are we so wrapped up in ourselves and our own problems that we have not an ounce of compassion left over for anyone else? I wonder how to stop the cycle, and two of Gandhi's teachings come to mind:

An eye for an eye will only make the whole world blind.

We must become the change we want to see in the world.

And to that I say YES!

The Power of Positive Thinking

A story called "Emotional Training Helps Kids Fight Depression" aired this morning on National Public Radio. The story opens with an adult man talking about how he's lived with negative self-talk his whole life. After years of cognitive behavioral therapy, he finally replaced the self-flagellation with talk of, "I'll be able to do it better next time."

The interviewer moves to a class full of 10-year-old kids, where the teacher is trying to teach them emotional resilience skills so that they don't spend a lifetime telling themselves they're not good enough. Good enough for what? For whom? Why do we kill the joy in children so early? Programs like Smart-Girl try to mitigate the effects of this social training, but how much permanent change can we effect when the problem is so big? Why, as a society, are we stuck in this endless loop of unfulfilled unhappiness?

Sometimes (and I wish there were more of those times), I feel so connected to the universal consciousness that I float free, blissfully unshackled from the tape in my head. In those moments, I see and know and feel everything and am at peace with it all. The moments don't last long, but I know from conversations with others that I'm lucky to have them at all. Oh, to capture the complex path of neural connections that happens in those moments and be able to repeat them, on command. Maybe scientists should focus on THAT task instead of curing all of the diseases we develop because of stress and constant worry.

But I do my part by being involved with Smart-Girl, curtailing my own recording, and demonstrating for my mentee Consuelo that setbacks are temporary and not to be taken personally. We shall overcome.

Tasty Humble Pie

Many different clients use my writing, editing, and business consulting services. There's one I correspond with solely via email, and she's a "get 'er done" person, just like me. We fire off opinions, questions, answers, and info without regard for niceties or a "How was your weekend?" and everything is just peachy. We get a lot done in a short amount of time, sometimes at midnight.

Another client requires quite a bit of finessing. I spend time choosing words carefully so as not to offend his sensibilities. Another client was a friend and colleague before she was ever a client, and I know that our relationship will survive any storm. It's nice to know that, with her, I can be completely me and never have to worry that I'm being judged harshly.

And there are others--all completely different from one another. The work is different, too, as are the lessons that the work and the clients teach me. I love it all! But there is one client... We don't do a lot of work together, and we haven't known each other all that long. Her belief system, her experiences, and her personality are quite different than mine, yet we are connected at a profoundly deep level. She was the first to call me a "writing coach." Not editor, not ghost writer, not teacher, but writing coach. She likes what I do because I preserve her voice rather than editing it all out to be perfectly correct and precise.

And then, in response to an email I sent with appreciation for the positive words she sends to her followers, she said, "I thank God for you." Now that's something you don't hear every day. I've had people say they pray for me, and believe me, I welcome their prayers. I welcome all positive energy put out into the universal consciousness on my behalf. But to have someone thank God for me? I'm humbled. I'm grateful. I'm in awe of the light and grace that flow from her.

There's a reason I've been in this "transition" period for a while. Oh, I could blame the economy. I could blame the flood of wonderful, qualified applicants I'm in competition with. But really, I think I was meant to learn these lessons. To know that I can connect with such vastly different people on a meaningful level. To know that my work means something in the wide world. To know that I have changed others' lives and they have changed mine. It just doesn't get any better than that.