Thankful

The last few months have brought a lot of heartache and pain, and also wonderful gifts, learning, and personal growth. As the season changed to fall, I faced many new firsts in the year of firsts without my partner: my birthday, first rain, first snow, first bitter cold day, and of course, the first Thanksgiving. I wondered how I would feel on the holiday, and of course I welcomed back into my heart three of my friends: sadness, and joy, and gratitude.

If there's anything I've learned in the last five months, it's that nothing is black and white. Nothing happens when and how you think it will, so you might as well just relax, have fun, and go along for the ride. I am grateful for the people who have helped me learn those lessons, even when it hurt.

I am also grateful for:

CorePower Yoga and all of the teachers there, especially Maya, Amy Mc, Linda Lou, and Kate; without knowing it, you helped me get through a crisis and then made me a stronger person

My bike, which has taken me on hundreds of miles of paths this summer and given me an outlet for all of my grief and frustration, and also my joyful energy

My sister Lindsey, who will, when she rides with me, ring her bell in the tunnels and yell "Wheeeeee!" on the way down the hills just for the pure fun of it

Emily, who just gets me and is there for me no matter what; her strength and ability to give are bottomless

Heather, Jennifer, Linda, Pam, Erik, Kate, Dan P, Amy, Dru, Tammy, my mom, and Laurie for everything they did to get me this far along in this process, including laughing, packing, moving, unpacking, eating, hanging up stuff in the new place, listening, and talking

Jean Oliphant of Nostalgic Homes, who happens to be my aunt, for her patience during the sale of my house

My therapist Chris, who holds the mirror up without judgment and expertly guides me along this journey of self-exploration, constant change, and growth

The abundance of healthy food that has kept my body fueled

All of the music that has been my constant companion, from country to hip hop to classical to pop to indie rock; the long tail that makes so much music available to us so instantly has been a boon to me

The gift of meditation that led me to my first sustained meeting with a higher power

The executive director and board and committee members of Smart-Girl, who took up the slack when I couldn't be present

My mentee Consuelo, who is a beautiful spirit with a heart of gold and a smile that blinds me with its brilliance

An old car that's paid off and runs, most of the time, without a hitch

My apartment, which is cozy and inviting and doesn't require maintenance

There is more, but I'm thinking this is pretty darn good list. My friends--sadness, joy, and gratitude--think so, too.

How to Talk to a 14-Year-Old Girl

I spent last Friday night with my mentee, Consuelo, learning what adolescent girls are facing these days, and how to talk about it. Rosalind Wiseman spoke at Girls, Inc. on the topics of communication, bullying, and why your mom "freaks out." The event was sponsored by Dove, who has a world-wide campaign for real beauty they've been working on for some time. While I expected a lot more interaction and a lot less of the speaker talking, I got some valuable tips. And it opened some doors I didn't know how to open with a 14-year-old girl. So it was time well spent.

Here are some tips for moms and mentors that I found particularly helpful:

-Affirm her feelings.

-Don't ask a million questions.

-Ask if she's venting or wants advice.

-If she's venting, keep your trap shut.

-Don't use her slang. It's not cool.

-Ask her what she means if you don't understand.

-Share your experience without lecturing.

-Just stand there. Really. Pay attention. Listen.

-Let her make "mistakes," meaning she's not going to do it your way.

-Accept silence. People who are comfortable with each other don't need to talk constantly.

-Don't ever make fun of her (not that I would do this, but it's a good reminder).

-Apologize when you screw up. Model that good behavior.

You Had Me at Hello

It seems like a lot of people get really grumpy about Valentine's Day, and I'm not sure why. Maybe you think it's only for lovers, and without a lover, there's nothing to celebrate. Maybe you think it's just another Hallmark-manufactured holiday that has no meaning. Or maybe you feel you can't live up to the unexpressed, unknown wishes of your honey-bun. Let me provide a little perspective.

Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday. The way I see it, Valentine's Day is a time to tell all the people you love just how much they mean to you. It's the one day a year when your friends and family won't bat an eye if they get a card or a call just to say, "I love you and I'm really glad you're in my life." I sent more than 60 Valentine cards this year, and I felt scroogish that I hadn't sent more. But almost everyone says that mine was the only Valentine they received. Maybe that made it all the more special, but I'm still surprised by the lack of heart sharing.

Perhaps you can do what I do; to get in the Valentine's mood, I watch my favorite love stories: Chocolat, Don Juan de Marco, Pretty Woman, and Jerry Maguire. This year I added a couple of the old love stories: Love in the Afternoon with Audrey Hepburn and Gary Cooper and An Affair to Remember with Cary Grant and Deborah Kerr.

An Affair to Remember has one of the most beautiful scenes I've ever watched. The two main characters, who were both engaged to other people but had started to fall for each other while on a cruise, visit his grandmother. She lives in an island villa at one of the ports where the ship stops for the day. It is one of the most romantic, lovely couple of hours ever. His love for his grandmother shines through, and there's just a hint of a budding love between the two stars. Here's a great montage of the movie that gives you the flavor of it.

These old love stories are without special effects, noise, and explosions. They are perhaps the most simple, back-to-the-basics stories, with haunting music and almost Spartan sets. But in their simplicity, or maybe because of it, they ring true. They remind me why I love Valentine's Day, and perhaps they will inspire you to share your love, too.

Emotionally Focused Therapy -- Breakthrough!

My sister, who is working on her master's degree in psychology, told me about a treatment modality called Emotionally Focused Therapy that is becoming more and more accepted as THE way to work with couples in counseling. I'm reading a book about it called Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson and have gone through a couple of sessions with a counselor who uses this method. And I have to say it's pretty amazing.

The premise is that like children, adults must also have emotional attachments. The bond between adults is more reciprocal, and when it's between lovers, it's also sexual, but the point is that we're not happy unless we have deep, meaningful, emotional bonds with other adults. Until we address the underlying, most fundamental emotional connection issues, all the active listening and negotiation in the world is not going to make a happy marriage. Ding ding ding ding! Tell her which fabulous prize she's won, Bob!

This theory immediately resonated with me and spoke to everything I felt, though it went against everything I thought. I (like you?) have learned that adults need to be self-sufficient and entirely independent. It's nice if you have close relationships friends and family, but you're a bit odd and perhaps need some therapy if you *rely* on others for emotional support. And if you count on your life partner to be your best friend, lover, cheerleader, teacher, and coach, well, good luck to you. That was all of the programming I was fighting as my emotional side was saying, "Oh, finally! Yes, yes, yes! I do need someone I can count on, and I need to be the person he counts on."

Click. Lots of things just fell into place. Like why I don't really feel safe with friends who aren't there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or someone to talk to. Like why I never have conflict with the people who are there for me--those folks are not perfect, but we quickly and successfully resolve any little trifling problems because the relationship is solid. Like why that distant, analytical, judgmental side of me never really fit somehow.

If this resonates with you, I'd encourage you to read the book Hold Me Tight. It's written for the lay person but still talks about the research behind Emotionally Focused Therapy. It guides you through several meaningful dialogues you can use with your partner (this book is geared toward the relationship between lovers, but much of it applies to anyone with whom you'd like to have a deep emotional bond). And it validates the need we have for real and reliable emotional attachment to other human beings.

In Honor of Valentine's Day

"By day the blue will pale down into white where it touches the white of the land, after sunset it has a new circumference--orange, melting upwards into tenderest purple."
-E.M. Forster, A Passage to India

My heart beats faster when I read that sentence. But it wasn't always so. My personality style is ESTJ, which means my natural tendency is to think first and feel later, and to think about facts first and people second. But the stars aligned a few years ago and brought two women into my life who changed me forever: Elizabeth, who shared her art and her big heart with me, and Linda, who was forever asking me crazy-making questions like, "Do you think that will get you what you want?"

I dedicate this quote to you, because I don't know if I could have recognized the beauty in it without you. Though we don't work together anymore and see each other not nearly as often as I would like, you are in my thoughts and in my heart. Love to you and every one of my dear valentines...

Happy Thanksgiving!

As I think about what I'm grateful for, I'm surprised by how different my life is this year than last. So much has changed, and I've brought about all of that change because I've had the space to find my values and power again. And I am oh-so-grateful for that space. Here's what else makes my heart light:

The robins having a little party in my garden today

Being part of the DU community

My students and the lessons they teach me

Milo the nephew dog

My sister Lindsey

My partner Gary

My mom

The clients who make me laugh

The lovely house I live in and the garden that surrounds me

Beads and making pretty baubles

Emily, Shannon, Heather, Amy, and Merry, who have been friends through good times and bad

Having my mentee, Consuelo, in my life

The staff and fellow board members at Smart-Girl

Barack Obama

Music! There was a great series of essays about music on This American Life (a show aired on NPR) last weekend, and one of the people on the show said this: "A chord here... A chord there... And your heart splits open." Yeah.


Blessings upon you.

Life Is Full of Flowers

One of three long-time friends who have recently resigned from their jobs came over for lunch yesterday. A long lunch on the deck with someone who is loving life, freedom, and her new perspective is quite a treat, I've got to say. A sweet surprise was that she supported my jewelry habit by buying three of my pieces. And she brought the most beautiful Gerbera daisies in a vase that looks like a picture from a magazine.

A couple of weeks ago, a wonderful, arty friend came over to give me some decorating ideas that will mesh with our new paint colors. And she brought pussywillow and other branches from her garden.

Last week, another friend invited me over to her house for a girls' night and sent me home with a vase full of forsythia branches after a wonderful night of eating and chatting.

My life is full of friends whose love is so vibrantly represented by these beautiful, living things that serve as a daily reminder of how rich life is.

The Many Faces of Dan

I have six friends named Dan. It's a common name, apparently, but my Dans are anything but common. Whether they know it or not, each of them has had a significant impact on my life. Lessons learned from the Dans:

Dan C.
Laugh often. Love much. Live life with gusto.

Danny H.
Do everything you do with passion.

Dan O.
Reading the paper and watching the sun rise in Deck World is proof that life is sweet.

Dan P.
Superman is real.

Dan S.

Even in a war zone, it's possible to be kind to animals and children.

Dan T.
Treat every friend as a best friend.

May you be lucky enough to have even one Dan in your life.